It was our first night. We both were on our bed and looked at each other. She looked into my eyes and I could see that she really wanted me to know what she had in mind. But I did know exactly what she wanted and I wanted the same too!
“Do you know exactly how it is done?” my wife asked me.
“Of course!” I said. “I have done it plenty of times earlier” I added.
She looked at me surprised. I looked at her through the corner of my eye.
“You know me since 3 years but you never told me that you knew how to do it“ she said bewildered.
“What is there to tell, don’t you know how to do it?” I asked her
“Of course I know, I am not so dumb” she said irritated.
“Can I help the fact that you never gave me a chance to do it before marriage and show you that I can” I grinned.
“Bah… Ok… Is it ready?” She asked.
“Yes…. It is!” I said and passed her the tuna sandwich that I had just prepared and asked her to tell me how it tasted, it was obviously good considering that we both were hungry after the wedding reception!
So this was not exactly what you expected it to be, I am pretty sure about that. Even if it was, don’t even a for minute think that I would agree!
Talking about sex in India is a taboo. Whether you are married or not, it is not something to be written or spoken or discussed about. It is something that is confined to the bedroom between you and your partner. If by chance you are caught talking or discussing about it, especially if you are a woman, or you are a man discussing about it in front of other women , then you will probably be termed as one with loose character. Someone once said A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after. Whether the saying is right or wrong, one thing for sure is that its exactly the opposite in our culture. It’s our Indian mindset where from the time we are young our thoughts about sex are suppressed.
As you watch the shows on Star World or the Hollywood movies, you often come across scenes where the parents think about advising their young children about sex. They often call it the “birds and bees” talk. How many of you have actually had that talk with your children or have had the talk given to you by your parents. In India the talk of birds and bees probably will end up with the explanation of different kinds of birds and bees so that their children top their class in the exams.
So when sex itself is sometimes looked upon as a sin, discussing about pre-marital sex will probably wake up the moral police around! But before passing a judgement on the rights and wrongs of pre-marital sex lets just go through different scenarios that come into play. In true medical style lets divide the different scenarios into case reports and then decide for ourselves what should the possible conclusion be.
Case 1
A 21 year old girl is in love with a guy who is 24 and wants to marry him. They have been together for about 2 years now without getting into a physical relationship. The guy tells her that he wants to have sex with her and promises to marry her if she does so. “We’ll anyways be doing it after marriage, so whats the harm in trying it now” he says.She really loves him and gives in to his demand. Whether he will go on to marry her or not, we will never know. What do you think? Is she right in fulfilling his demands even though she has absolute faith in him? Put yourself in both the guy’s as well as the girl’s place and think from their point of view.
Case 2
A guy aged 35 and lady aged 32 are in a live in relationship. They have known each other for 4 months and now have decided to move in together. It’s been a week since they started sharing their living space. Both are open to the idea of having sex without thinking about the future. The girl thinks to herself “It cant be called pre-marital sex if you don’t intend to get married” and doesn’t mind having such an opinion at all. So should they go ahead with it. Is it right or wrong to think this way?
Case 3
Two young guys are in a relationship. Obviously not many people around know about them except for their very close friends. They want to get into a physical relationship. They are open to the idea of getting married and then doing it but in India will gay marriage ever be legalized? What should they do? Don’t homosexuals have the desires as well or are you someone who feels that there is no place for homosexuals in our society? Wont this be categorized as pre-marital sex or does the gay community come under a whole different category.
Case 4
Teenagers these days get carried away easily. Its not shocking to know that they want to experience sex even when in school without having to think about the consequences about it later. They feel that it is an experience they SHOULD have before they get anywhere close to marriage years later without which their friends will call them saints. Watch any of the english TV shows and that is all the teenagers talk about in them. Do you think on the same lines?
So as you can see,when you think about it this way pre-marital sex gains a whole new meaning or rather a different perspective. Its not just a question about right and wrong. Its more about whether you would like to do it or not. It is a personal choice. If I belonged to case 3, I would definitely have had no objection to pre-marital sex. Its probably the only sex that one can have, especially in India if one belonged to that case scenario! Case 2 too would be a totally personal opinion rather than applying a norm. You cant force someone to get married, of course it does happen here but once someone has made up their mind to stay away from the bond of marriage you can do nothing about it. Nor can you stop them from having sex, can you? But after all this, if they do decide to someday change their mind and tie the knot either with their live in partner or someone else, then you would call it pre-marital sex, wouldn’t you? And would that be right or wrong? It’s an absolute personal decision
But when it comes to case 1 and case 4 and also if someone asked me whether I would advocate pre-marital sex, I would definitely and emphatically say a NO. Pre-marital sex has no place in my opinion because personally for me sex acquires more meaning after marriage. Yes it is something very personal which unites two people even more. I don’t want to do it just for the sake of it before marriage nor for the experience. Also I think it would be grossly unfair to the girl because by chance if the relationship doesn’t work out, it would mean more harm to her because whether you like it or not, Indian mindset is such that they will judge a woman based on her virginity but never the man.I would be very angry with the guy in case 1 and also the teenagers involved in case 4, not because they go against my opinion but more because of the definite risks and problems involved with pre-marital sex. We tend to forget that kids these days especially here, acquire half knowledge through the internet (mainly because their parents refused to have the talk with them) and then get into a physical relationship. Teenage pregnancies are on a high which can be traumatic both to the girl and the parents which then leads to the killing of an unborn child or abandoning them after birth. I have seen about 3 cases myself where unmarried teenagers are brought by their parents with pain abdomen suspecting appendicitis when in fact they are pregnant. When at one end there are couples striving to get a child, at the other extreme are those who don’t let a child come into the world or abandon them because of their stupidity. And what about STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases). Yes they are a reality. Ignorance is not bliss when it comes to sex. One nights pleasure can make you suffer for the rest of your life if you get infected be it HIV, Hepatitis or for that matter even syphilis. A big price to pay isn’t it?
Whether one is married or not, the strength of one’s relationship definitely decides whether one would want to get into a physical relationship with his/her partner or not.So as you can see, the answer to the question is not a straight forward one. And I still think its a personal decision to which norms shouldn’t be applied. What is most important is that one is responsible, knowledgeable and mature enough to have the RIGHT opinion.
Authors Note:
This blogpost is an entry for Indiblogger’s “Yes or No to Pre-marital Sex” contest with Poonaam Uppal’s True Love – A Mystical True Love Story.
All the sketches in the post are provided by Dr Nishita Fernandes, my only wife!
I agree with you that it’s a personal choice after all…
I definitely had “the talk” with my daughter and son when they were just shy of 8 years old – my daughter, because I was about to give birth to her brother, and her brother because he started asking questions about where babies come from. As you pointed out, kids will get information – from friends, other adults, the Internet – I wanted them to have factual information and to think early about the possible consequences. For me, the questions revolve around whether a young person is physically and emotionally ready for sex (the physically happens much earlier than the emotionally!), whether they understand how to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STDs, and whether they understand the ramifications of unsuccessful prevention. To ask themselves if, even if marriage isn’t in the picture, whether their partner is someone they’d be happy to co-parent with and call family if push came to shove. To think that shaming a functioning human being into NOT having sex if they’re curious and hungry for it is to deny basic biology and damage their ability, in the future, to have a healthy sexual relationship with anyone. But to arm them with all the reasons they might choose to WAIT can be powerful.
I really admire the fact that you took the initiative to have the ‘talk’ with your kids. I know it’s obviously the duty of the parents but it’s not easy. You can easily brush it off or keep postponing it. Frankly speaking I don’t know how I will react when the time comes for me to have the ‘talk’ with my son’s but hopefully I’ll be able to do it just as you have done.
As a doctor, you understand how important a duty it is; you’ll manage. It’s not as awkward as you may think. My mom used to say that kids deserve honest answers that they are capable of understanding, when they are old enough to start asking questions.
Children who grow up on farms may have an advantage over city kids; they learn early about the facts of life. It’s putting your own moral views into understandable terms that’s a bit more challenging, but it’s like anything else that’s hard to explain to someone on the other side of “been there, done that.” Some things are, unfortunately, only really understood with experience. But this is why it’s important to establish trust – if your child knows you truly want what’s in his best interests (as opposed to merely wanting to control his life because you can), it helps them to choose to follow your advice rather than testing the waters for themselves. What too many parents don’t realize till too late – it will ALWAYS be the child’s choice, and where there’s a will, there’s a way.